After the excitement and relief wears off after you start your single journey again, loneliness starts to creep in. Slowly at first. You aren’t even sure that it is there except for the subtle hellos. I remember when I was lying in bed, the kids were asleep, and I realized that I was alone. I missed the touch, the closeness, and the emotional bond with a man. I think it was around the year anniversary from my divorce that loneliness really reared its ugly head that night. I cried that night. It was an ugly cry, but when I was done, I felt better. Relieved almost.

I realized that night that it is okay to be sad and to let those emotions run through you. They may run through you subtly like a gentle breeze, or intense like a dam that just exploded open. I also didn’t rush right out to find a mediocre relationship to soothe the pangs of loneliness. I told myself that this was part of package and I need to figure out how to be one with it. I developed a pretty good system. When loneliness appeared I would watch my favorite love stories, drink wine, and take a hot shower. It worked like a dream. It did not make the loneliness any less, but it made it tolerable. It also made loneliness depart much faster. It now only sticks around for moments or evenings. By morning it has moved on to its next victim.

Loneliness shows up to remind us that we were made to be with others. It is so easy to forget to take time to connect with friends or even date when you are a single parent. I have always had a plate full of activities. I was in school full time, working full time, and parenting full time. Now I am working full time, working a weekend job that takes me all over the country, and taxing my kids to all their practices. There are times where it is almost impossible to squeeze in friend time let alone a dating life. I know that I need to make sure that I try to spend time with friends, and date. I know that one of my top love languages is quality time. In order to fill that part of my cup I make a point to fill in my weekends that I don’t have my kids with friends, and dates as they come.

Learning to greet loneliness as it comes is important because it doesn’t go away when we are in relationships or surrounded by friends. I learned how to fill my cup when those lonely moments appeared. It was one of the best lessons that i have learned. I know myself so well and what I need when certain emotions surface. I wouldn’t have learned more about myself if I didn’t greet loneliness with open arms. Loneliness has also taught me to appreciate the company of loved ones.

“Because I have known despair; I value hope. Because I have tasted frustration; I value fulfillment. Because I have been lonely; I value love.” ~ Leonard Nimoy

xoxo,

April

When I decided that I was ready to get back into the dating world I had no idea how many first dates I would go on. I figured that I would go on a few and then meet the man of my dreams and live happily ever after. I can barely contain my laughter as I am writing this. The thing is I had no idea how fucked up I still was from my marriage and divorce. I thought I was totally fine, emotionally healed and ready to take on the world. I have absolutely no idea why I thought this because the first year I literally did nothing to grow or heal from my experience. I thought that time took care of all that. I did not realize that you have to do the inner work to heal and grow. What a concept right?!

There was growth that happened while I was going through all those first dates. I became more confident, better at making eye contact, and I gained a few unexpected friends along the way. The negative was that I never really seemed to get past the first or second date with a guy. It was emotionally taxing to go through all those dates and never really connecting with someone. I would wonder what the hell was wrong with me. One day I had an epiphany. I remember calling my bestie in tears because I realized that I was the common denominator in this mess of a dating cycle I was in. I knew that I had to fix it and I couldn’t live like that anymore.

Now comes the realization of having to look in the mirror and bring all the pain, hurt, and shit to the surface. That is not an easy task. I began to read all the self-help books I could get my hands on. I self-reflected on all my previous experiences and how I handled it. I was able to look at myself objectively and realized that I was self-sabotaging like a crazy person! I am incredibly fortunate to have a mom, and a couple best friends that can give advice objectively. They were able to point things out that I didn’t realize I was doing. It humbles you when you can look at your past mistakes and take accountability. Healing from my wounds and past experiences was not an overnight journey. It took me roughly 4 years to work through everything, and some help from a life coach. The journey was worth every twist and turn, ups and downs, almost wanting to throw in the towel, and the victories.

Through this journey I learned to have grace for myself and others. I learned that we all are on our own journey. There is no timeline for when you should be healed or not. The important thing is that you are moving forward, growing, and becoming better every day.

“Self-reflection is a humbling process. It’s essential to find out why you think, say, and do certain things…then better yourself.”

xoxo,

April

I am assuming you are probably wondering how are coffee shops and self care related? For me they are as intertwined as bees and flowers. In order to make honey, you need bees and flowers. In order for me to fill my self-love/self-care cup, I need coffee shops. There is something magical in a coffee shop. People working, friends gathering, aroma of coffee brewing, and a sweet treat in the glass case. Pure happiness in my world.

The road to self-care/self-love wasn’t easy. I became a mom at 20 and my relationship started as a highschool crush which led to us becoming parents at a very young age. I hardly knew who I was as an adult let alone now a mom. Fast forward to the day I moved out in March of 2013, at that point I had 3 young kids and two long term relationships under my belt. I never realized that I didn’t take time to learn how to fill my own cup. That moment I sat in my new apartment for the first time and realized that I am now going to make myself a priority and learn who I was and what I enjoyed. I was going to fall in love with myself.

Where to begin? I took some time to sit with myself and think about things that made me happy. The small things and the big things. I was a single mom with three kids. My budget was not very big at all. I started reading all the self help books, telling myself affirmations, and then realized how much the experience of drinking coffee was a happy place for me. Even if I couldn’t make it to a coffee shop, I would fancy up my coffee at home.

I didn’t have any single friends at this point and I realized that in order to learn who I was I have to do it by myself. I have always loved coffee so I started there. It was relatively inexpensive and I could bring a book with me to not look so “weird” sitting by myself. Once I conquered that, I went out on a date with myself. I went out to breakfast, to a museum and ended at a coffee shop. I realized that doing things by myself was empowering! I could stay as long or as little as I wanted. I didn’t have to worry about anyone’s timeframe. It was the most freeing thing I did for myself. I always had to pep talk myself before I would do things alone. It was a bit scary, but I knew that staying in the emotional space I was in was even scarier.

I knew that I wanted to teach my kids self-love/self-care so as adults they would have the tools to get through the hard times. This was and is my huge motivator to push through the awkward moments of doing something new that scares me a bit.

The self-love/self-care journey has been a long and winding path. There were times where I didn’t do it, and then times where I was going full speed ahead. I never gave up though. Now 6 years after that day that I chose myself I can happily say that self-love is second nature that I don’t even realize I’m doing it anymore.

Fall in love with taking care of yourself. Fall in love with the path of deep healing. Fall in love with becoming the best version of yourself but with patience, with compassion and respect to your own journey. ~ S. Mcnutt

Xoxo,

April

Divorce and going through a divorce really is an interesting roller coaster. You think that you are managing things quite well, and then bam you retreat into your shell when you are triggered by something. My friendships really changed during that time. I did not want to be around my friends who were happily married and had their kids running around. I know that may sound selfish but being around happily married people made me sad. I was sad that my marriage wasn’t happy, and that it ultimately ended in divorce. I had my kids all the time except every other weekend so the last thing I wanted to do was be around a bunch of kids.

One of my best friends and I grew apart during this time. She was one of the happily married friends with small children. It was even harder to be around her and her family because her husband was so great to her. It made me realize that I so badly wanted my marriage to be like that and it wasn’t. I felt so sad when I would spend time with her and her family. I didn’t intend for our friendship to fade away, it gradually happened. She was unable to understand the space that I was in emotionally, and I was unable to understand her situation. I missed her so much during those days because I felt isolated. I still had a bestie, but she lived so far away that our friendship was pretty much based around phone conversations. Unfortunately, our friendship never truly bounced back.

I knew that I needed to find a friend that was single and was going through the same things that I was. As an adult it is not the easiest to meet new people. My work environment was small, and I was still quite shy. I kept thinking that there needs to be a dating site for friends (which now there are). The summer of 2014 is when I met Shasta. She was my mom’s realtor. My mom mentioned that we needed to meet because we had so much in common. Shasta was going through a divorce, had three kids, and loved adventure. Shasta is an ItWorks distributor, and I decided to give that crazy wrap thing a try. Pretty much from that moment forward we became besties. I am so thankful for her friendship because she has been there for me in all my ups and downs, and I have been there for her. We celebrate our victories and drink wine when we are having our bad days.

After the first year or so the fog lifted, and I worked hard to blossom my friendships. I seriously have the most badass tribe of women. I cannot do life without them.

Divorce can really rock you in ways you never imagine, and it can be silent. You don’t even realize that you are trudging through mud. I remember thinking that I am healed, I got this, and everything is ok. My advice to everyone is to take time to heal. Let the ugly cries happen, the drunken nights out, the ice cream binges, the solitude nights, and start to fall in love with yourself. There is no timeline and rush to move on. Also find yourself a bestie!

“and I’m still getting over my past…but I will tell you this, your friendship has made it a lot easier for me to move on and I’m grateful for what we have. So, thank you for all long talks- for listening to me when I was breaking down, and thank you for bringing the sun with you during the times I was drowning in the rain.” r.m. drake

xoxo,

April

Skittish wild animal? You might be wondering what I mean by that. I describe myself as a skittish wild animal during the March 2013-February 2017 period. To me a skittish wild animal must be approached with caution because any little thing could make it run. That is exactly what I did. It was more intense the first couple years of that period, but it did linger until early 2017. I did not realize that I was in that phase until about August 2017. Self-reflection is quite an amazing slap to the face when it hits you. I am going to tell you about my first experience that the skittish wild animal showed its’ ugly head.

It was May of 2014. I was just over a year out from when I moved out, and 6 months out from when my divorce was final. I thought that I was ready. I waited the 1 year that I told myself that I would. It was the first weekend in May. I was visiting my grandma because it was her wedding anniversary and my grandpa has just passed away a month prior. I brought her tulips (her fav), and whopper’s (my grandpa’s fav). Earlier that day I had matched with a guy that seemed like a good match. The conversation was going well. While I was at my grandma’s I was filling her in on the details. As I was chatting with her, he asked if I wanted to meet for pancakes that evening. Now, you are probably thinking, pancakes? What is so special about pancakes? Well that whole day I was craving pancakes. The type of craving that you must quench, or it won’t go away. I didn’t mention to him that I was craving pancakes so I thought it must be a sign from the universe!

Later that evening we meet at an Ihop, and have all the pancakes, and then go for drinks afterwards. I remember being quite smitten with him. He was different than any other guy I have ever dated. We had great conversation and laughs that first evening. Things continued to go quite well from there. We saw each other quite a bit, which was amazing because I had three small kids, and he lived an hour and half away. He surprised me at work with Tulips, which if you remember was my grandma’s favorite flower. So, I thought that was another sign from the universe. He treated me like I have never been treated. He played music while I would get ready in the morning, took me to nice restaurants, showed me what it was like to truly laugh with a friend that was also a significant other. Things continued to progress, and we developed intense feelings that I think scared us both. We had great communication, so we were able to talk things out. Shortly after our talk he mentioned something about not truly being sure if he would stay in Michigan if a job opportunity came about. Cue skittish wild animal…at that point in my life I had been in two significant relationships where I wasn’t chosen in some way. I had an instant reaction to his statement and self-sabotaged that relationship faster than you can say self-sabotage.

Like I mentioned earlier, I didn’t realize that I was a skittish wild animal during that time. When the self-awareness slapped me in the face, I realized that I ran away from a great guy. Now came the self-reflection work. I look at every situation as a learning experience. I realized that I now know what it was like to be treated well, and someone who filled up my cup. I realized that I needed to figure out how to heal this wild skittish animal, otherwise she was going to ruin other opportunities. I have more stories to share regarding this skittish wild animal phase, but I will leave that for another time.

“The first step of change is to become aware of your own bullshit.”

Xoxo,

April

I knew that I wanted to start breaking myself out of my comfort zone. I decided to create a bucket list of all the things. The list is still ever growing. The bucket list has some requirements. The items on the list have to push me out of my comfort zone, opens opportunities for self growth, and creates a memory that will last a life time. The first thing on my list was a medical mission’s trip to Honduras at the end of April 2014, skydiving, tubing on a lake, going to a movie, and a restaurant by myself. Those were just a few things that I had written down. I knew that each experience was going to teach me something about myself.

The first adventure was the medical mission’s trip to Honduras. That trip was eye opening, and life changing. I signed up for the trip not knowing a single person. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I was forced to break out of my shyness, say yes to things that normally would have made me nervous, and be off the grid in regards to contact with family or my kids for 10 days. The clinic was right on the ocean. We worked in the morning, swam during lunch, and then worked for a bit in the evening. We also worked in an orphanage as well. The kids there were so happy, full of life, love and excitement. They loved having us there because they were getting all the cuddles, and attention that they usually don’t get. I held a little boy who was 2-3 years old every day during his nap. I remember thinking that my kids experienced that closeness numerous times when they were his age, and this little one does not. I cherished that moment. Experiencing a third world country in that way was an experience I will never forget. It made me realize how much opportunity there is in America, and how we take it for granted as well.

The biggest take away from that trip is that I can go through with things even if it scares me. I gained new friends, new experiences, and a sense of confidence that I didn’t have prior. From that moment forward I can’t say that I have felt fearful of anything regarding to trying something new. For those of you who don’t know me, I was afraid of a ton of things as a kid. I didn’t really try new things because I could always imagine the worst that could happen.

The summer of 2014 I became over the top adventurous. I went skydiving for the first time. That was one of the most exhilarating experiences. Free falling out of a plane, and watching the world beneath you, oh so amazing! I can’t wait to go again. I went tubing behind a boat, spent a day doing all the things I loved by myself. I went to breakfast, a coffee shop, museum, and walked around Detroit.

Learning to enjoy your own company seems easy, but it isn’t. It takes time, courage, and the desire to put yourself in situations that are out of your comfort zone. Believe me that it’s so worth it!

“A mind stretched by new experiences can never go back to its old dimensions.”

Travel. Learn. Go

xoxo,

April

March 29th, 2013 was the first day of my new beginning. I remember that day as if it were yesterday. I remember sitting on my couch and feeling like 100 elephants had just left my shoulders. I filed for divorce shortly after. Don’t let me fool you. I had worries. I was living in an apartment that was more expensive than what I was truly comfortable with, three small kids, going through a divorce, and an income that was just above ok. I was determined to make it work. I was so happy to be in my own place that the worries did not overwhelm me.

I had no idea what was in store for me, or where my future was headed. I knew that I needed to get back to school and create a future that allowed me to do the things I wanted with my children. I enrolled back into community college part time, and I started to learn who I was. As a young mom I never truly had the time to find my passions, or interests. I was thrust into mom life, and my focus was on taking care of my children. So, when I moved out, I vowed to myself to start doing things I enjoyed, to try new things that made me uncomfortable.

The first few months was pretty slow in regard to learning who I was and trying new things. I did start dating, and that was a new experience for me. I don’t remember online dating being much of a thing when I went through the break-up from my daughter’s dad in 2007. So now it was 2013, and online dating was how you met people. About a month after I moved out, I decided to join Match. I talked with a few people, and it was fun to have conversations with adults outside of my circle. As time went on, I truly thought that I was ready for a potential relationship. As I was talking with this guy online, and I gave him my story he told me that I wasn’t ready. He said that you think you are but trust me you’re not. I was quite appalled at some stranger telling me that I was not ready for dating or a relationship. I am laughing at this as I am typing because he was so right! I realized he was right about the 1-year mark after my divorce. Anyways, I didn’t let him stop me because what did he know. I met some interesting people along the way. One guy opened things inside of me that were dormant or hidden. He reminded me the love I had for travel, trying different foods, and experiencing life in general. I am a firm believer that we meet people for all types of reasons. Some are for lessons that we need to learn, and even though they can be painful it is always worth it, and some are to awaken the dark spaces inside of us that have been closed.

November 2013 is when my divorce was final and that is when the magic started. I was completely free at that point. I didn’t know the magic was beginning and it did not feel like magic. I was starting a journey that would lead me down a path of self-discovery, self-love, accomplishing lifelong goals, and meeting my bestie. 

I will leave you with a quote from an amazing man. “If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl, but by all means, keep moving.” ~ Martin Luther King Jr.

xoxo,

April

Let me introduce myself. My name is April. I am a single mom to three Badass kids, Emma, Jolie and Charlie. They are 14,12, and 10. I love love love coffee, travel, volunteering, food, chocolate chip cookies, family, friends, and experiencing all that life has to offer. Laughter is one of my favorite things! There is nothing like laughing so hard that you are crying! I am directionally challenged; I don’t honestly know how people got around without google maps. I would never make it anywhere without that luxury. I am obsessed with compasses. I have a compass tattoo. Ironic right, I couldn’t tell you north, south, east or west haha.

You might be wondering why on earth did I start a blog? I thought that I would share my journey of self-discovery, learning how to love myself, and how the hell I made it all happen. I have to take you down memory lane a bit to give you some insight on where I came from. I always think of the Goonie’s scene where Chunk goes through his whole life story when I think about going down memory lane. Anyways, I digress.

I became a mom at the young age of 20. I didn’t think I was that young, and though it was not a planned pregnancy I was excited about the journey. I then had my second child at the age of 22. I was with my daughter’s dad for 7 years at that point. I honestly thought that was it. We were engaged, planning a wedding, and had two beautiful girls. Well about 4 months before the wedding, I kept having this feeling that I should ask him if this was the life he really wanted. He eventually said no, and we broke up. Emma was 2 1/2, and Jolie was 5 months. That was a hard break up for me because I was now putting my daughter’s in a broken home situation, and I had lost one of my closest friends. Luckily, I had a great support system, a pretty decent job, and for the first time in my life I was living on my own with my daughters. I felt so empowered by being able to do that. It was a great learning lesson that would come into play later on in my life.

Fast forward 6 months, I met my ex-husband. He was completely different than my daughter’s dad. We dated for about 9 months and decided that we wanted to have a child (I know), and then about 7 months into my pregnancy we got married. Unfortunately, things became quite rough after that. It was not a pleasant experience, and I gave it my all for 4 1/2 years before I decided that my kids, and I needed a happier place to live. I did not want my kids to think that is what a relationship looked like. March 29th was 6 years from when I moved out. My kids were 8, 6, and 4 at that time. 

I am going to end it here for today. I can’t wait to share more with you. I truly appreciate you coming to visit!

Xoxo,

April

 

 

 

 

 

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton