I am constantly looking inward and trying to bring all my flaws and post traumas up to the surface. I ask my friends for their objective point of view and help me to see things that I may not be able to see myself. It’s honestly exhausting! I get that we have to work through all the negative so we can heal and be free from those experiences, memories and feelings. But when is enough enough?!

I was recently working through something and was scrolling through Instagram when I saw this meme.

Honestly, it sums me up. As soon as I read it, I felt awful. Like another quality that I liked about myself wasn’t actually healthy and that I need to change it. The more I thought about how I was going to change this the sadder I got. What makes my heart happy is giving to others and helping. As a single mom I know how amazing it feels to have someone offer to take something off my plate. I am juggling more than one job, three kids, a household, bills, maintaining friendships and the list goes on.

A couple days later I asked myself why does there always have to be something wrong with who you are? This self-love journey is important, and I think we should all do it, but where are the boundaries? When is enough enough? I think we must draw the line in the sand somewhere and say these are the qualities that I love about me. They make me who I am. It doesn’t mean that they always stem from some unresolved issue.

Self-worth is something that I have constantly struggled with. When I realized that it seems like every behavior represents a flaw, it made me realize no wonder we have self-worth issues? At this rate I will never be healed enough. I will always carry all these flaws around that I must fix before the next step of whatever I want in life.

I am reclaiming my self-worth. I am drawing the line in the sand. I am enough. Flaws, post-traumas and all. I know what I bring to people’s lives. I am giving, thoughtful, funny, kind, empathetic, generous, and all around badass.

“Talk to yourself like someone you love.” ~ Brene Brown

Xoxo,

April

Hey! It’s me, April….sorry I have been MIA. I seem to write when I have this incredible urge to do so, and I haven’t felt that urge in a minute. Today the writing bug struck and here I am.

I am starting a new workout plan and running 2-3 days a week. I implemented this today. What better day to start then a Thursday right?! I am not one to workout everyday and eat all the right foods, but I do try to stay in shape.

This year I would say I am at my worst. I feel sluggish, low energy and a bit too soft for my liking. Now, I am not saying that I don’t love my body, because I do. It’s just time to take care of her. I have a pretty long list of things I would like to accomplish in my life and to do those I need to stay healthy and active. So here is to number 13,465,789,603,836 times of starting over. I believe that failure is giving up and never trying again.

It is easy to shame yourself for giving up in the first place. Trust me, I talk myself out of feeling guilty for giving up. I am learning to give myself more grace and pep myself up when those thoughts run through my head like a freight train. I also realize that we are in a unique time. I am lucky to still have my day job, but I am unable to do my fun job. Due to that I have lost income and that has been tricky. I miss my Church family, my Generosity Feeds family, and just want the days of not worrying about a pandemic affecting our lives. I want my kids to go back to school, restaurants to be normal, and coffee shops open so I can enjoy a cup of coffee with my friends.

 I am an extrovert and I thrive on human interaction. I have a close group of friends, and I have been able to maintain a surprisingly good social life. I did meet a pretty great guy that I don’t think I would have met if it weren’t for quarantine boredom. So, this whole pandemic hasn’t been a complete bummer.  It still isn’t quite the same though. With that being said, I realized that my motivation to workout has been at an all time low. So today is the day that I changed that. I am fairly sure that the next few weeks I will have to argue with myself to get out of bed in the morning to get my workout in. In the end though I know that it will boost my mood, give me more energy, and feel good.

If you see me slacking, I give you full permission to call me out on my bullshit. And if you want to join me for a run or walk, I am game!

“Instead of letting your hardships and failures discourage you, let them make you even hungrier to succeed.” ~ Michelle Obama

Xoxo,

April

I have had this mom bod since I was 20. I do not even remember my pre-mom bod. Accepting this mom-bod has been quite the journey. There are days where I feel amazing, sexy, and beautiful, then there are days where I look at myself and want to change everything about my mom-bod. The loose skin, the stretch marks, the mom pooch. Some days I hate it. Some days I love it.

The days I love it are more than not. In fact, when I think of everything that I have accomplished because of my body I feel pretty badass! I have birthed three children and nursed them all. The stretch marks are from my body making room for the tiny human growing inside of me and I am so blessed that I was able to experience that 3 times. I have ran a 5k and 10k, played soccer and kept up with some of the best players, went hiking in Vail, chased three small kids around, danced nights away, skinny dipping in the ocean, and have been able to go on adventures. This mom-bod is my vessel that carries me through life. I sure as hell better love it and not take it for granted.

The hard days is when I don’t love it. The days where the stretch marks seem more obvious, the mom pooch just isn’t looking fire in a pair of jeans. Those are the days where I lay in bed and have my little cry. I give myself a pep-talk, tell myself that I am a beautiful, sexy, and badass and these jeans make me look amazing! Let me tell you…a little bit of affirmations really changes your mindset.

Honestly, what inspired this blog was the package of bathing suits sitting on my bed. I have yet to try them on. So here is my pep talk… April you are going to look smoking hot in these suits. You’re going to rock this mom-bod because you are badass. Plus no one literally cares as much as we think they do. Please hold… while I try this suit on….

Ok…. I put it on, looked at myself in the mirror and instantly felt defeated. Where was this badass April that pepped herself up? It took 5 seconds for all the hype to disappear. I stood in front of my mirror and focused on what I did like. I like the color of this suit, the way my legs look, I love the top and the bottoms are comfy. I love the fact that I am wearing a two piece and I don’t absolutely hate it. I may not feel 100% confident but I am damn sure going to act like I am. Fake it until you make it right?

All I know is that the journey of loving your body isn’t a straight path. There are days when it’s hard to find something you love about your body. It is critical though that you learn to jump out of the negative self-talk. Send that selfie to your besties and let them hype you up. It works every time.

“This body is just the keeper of my magic. Who cares where it folds or dimples?” ~ Stephanie Chinn

Xoxo,

April

Remember when we would look forward to that coffee date with a friend to catch up on all life’s adventures? Remember when we would look forward to Friday night dates with our friends or a special someone? Normal life seems like another lifetime.

I miss feeling the energy of my favorite local coffee shops. People working away, friend’s greeting each other, first date awkwardness, and the background music swirling around the conversations. I miss girl’s night watching Starfarm and dancing the night away. It almost feels like that normal life is never coming back. It makes me too sad to think about.

So instead I’m going to do a little local tour of all my favorite places! So when we do get back maybe you will have some new places to check out!

Coffee shops are my favorite!

• Blue Owl– the vibes at all three locations are amazing! I just visited the Old Town location right before the shutdown and it quickly became my favorite. I love the decor there. I love how they use essential oils to flavor their coffees. Their nitro cold brew is amazing! They also have open mic nights which is so fun!
• Strange Matter– once again I love both locations. The honey cinnamon latte is my favorite. I can’t wait to get my fav latte and one of their yummy donuts.
• Foster’s– the spiced latte is by far my favorite! So good! I love sitting at the couch and looking out the window to the busy streets of East Lansing.

Next up is restaurants! I love food! There is nothing like good food with good conversations!

• Zoobie’s/Cosmos – Great food, great beer and drinks! I love their Trust Us pizza. It never disappoints. The outdoor patio is great for summertime!
• People’s Kitchen– Great brunch place. Super cool vibe and great food! I only made it a couple times before quarantine.
• Ruckus Ramen– It’s in The Avenue which is a hole in the wall bar, but the ramen is so good!!! Oh man just thinking about it is making me hungry.
• The Soup Spoon– it never disappoints. Breakfast, lunch and dinner is always amazing! I absolutely love the Pumpkin Bisque which is a fall menu item.
• Sindhu– The chicken Madras and garlic Naan bread is to die for. The portions are huge. My favorite Indian food place.
• Beggar’s Banquet– Great brunch spot. Cheap Mimosas.
• Lansing Brewery Company– The buffalo cauliflower wings are seriously my favorite. I crave them daily. I love the vibe in there too.
• Punk Taco– Great taco place with unique tacos. They have a couple locations and I love the vibe.
• The Creole– They have some amazing Burger’s. Drinks are yummy and they have plenty of seating.
• Meat– Yummy BBQ. Totally has a guy vibe. Food is always so good!
• The Golden Harvest– Amazing breakfast place. You may have to wait outside for awhile, and it takes a long time to get your food but it’s totally worth it!!!! It’s an experience.
• Cask & Co.– Great variety of food, drinks and fun vibe.
• Saddleback BBQ– The best chicken tacos and the scoop of cornmeal is heaven!
• Bluegill Grill– Great food, drinks and rooftop seating.

My favorite bars:

1. The Exchange– It caters to an older crowd, it’s usually chill and they always have a live band.
2. The Grid– It’s an arcade bar which is fun! Super cool drinks and has a fun old school Nintendo vibe.
3. The Nuthouse– It’s a great place for outdoor music in the summer. The drinks and food are good.
4. MP Social– I have only been once, but it has a lounge feel. It’s in a high end apartment building so it definitely has a professional vibe to it.
5. American Fifth Spirits– Great drinks. Great place for drinks and conversation.
6. Crunchy’s– This is a college bar. They have trivia night and Karaoke. Super fun!

Things to do:

• Eli and Edythe Broad Art Museum– A fun museum to check out every so often. It has had some pretty cool exhibits. It’s free which is awesome!
• Lansing Lugnuts– Check out a baseball game.
• Spare Time– Bowling, arcade and escape room. Great time!
• Impression 5– Amazing kids museum.
• High Caliber– Indoor go-karts, ax throwing, and arcade.
• Lake Lansing– Great place to take your kids swimming. They have a playground and pavilions to have picnics.

I can’t wait for this to be over with so we can all go support our favorite businesses. I hope this has taught us to be more present when we are with our friends and family. Life is so short and we never know when it will be our time to pass or we have to go into another quarantine. So let’s savor every moment, eat good food, drink good coffee, and laugh with our loved ones. I hope to see you all soon! I miss everyone so much!

“As you walk and eat and travel, be where you are. Otherwise you will miss most of your life.” ~ Buddha

Xoxo,

April

Grief has been my biggest emotion during this difficult time.

Sadness for the loss my normal routines.

Sorrow because my daughters were at their dad’s when the quarantine started happening.

Heartache for the loss of in person human contact.

Heartache for the people who are battling this sickness.

Mourning for the people have lost their lives.

Distressed for the Seniors that won’t get to experience their last years of Highschool or College.

Pining for the ability to go out to dinner, movies, concerts, vacations, and visiting friends and family.

Anguish for the unknown that we are all feeling.

There must be thunderstorms to create the rainbows. As much as the heaviness of grief can be, the rays of sunshine peeking through the clouds feel hopeful, optimistic and inviting.

The opposite of grief is joy and I am looking for the rays of sunshine.

Rejoicing in watching communities come together to help others.

Elated in being forced to slow down and focus on the important parts of life.

Happy to technology to keep everyone connected.

Joyful to have an amazing family and friend tribe.

Thrilled to have a new outlook on life.

Delighted to have the ability to work from home.

Jubilated to finally feeling some contentment in this new way of life.

Radiating with rays of hope to see a rainbow soon.

It is ok to sit in the emotions of grief. We must let emotions run through us like a cool breeze runs through our hair on a spring day. It might feel a bit harsh at first with the nip of winter air still, but as it passes us by the smell of new beginnings are left behind. Right now, I am smack dab in the middle of grief and joy and I am ok with that. I know the rainbow will come and I will be excited to see it when it does. Without experiencing the thunderstorm, we wouldn’t realize how beautiful the rainbow is.

“The very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can.” ~ Grey’s Anatomy

Xoxo,

April

2020 has had an interesting start to say the least! January was a bit rough for me personally, February was a whole lot better and then boom March came in with a vengance.

Mid-March I started working from home, schools closed, extracurriculars cancelled, and all my Generosity Feeds events were cancelled through April. I don’t think I have had this much free time since becoming a mom 16 years ago. I always knew I was an extrovert that needed one day at home every month, but all this time at home, not really being able to see my friends and fill my cup with travel is making me a bit stir crazy! I am learning a new way to fill my cup though. I feel like a fish out of water and it’s slow going for sure. Listening to music more, FaceTiming with friends, really learning how to meditate, and getting outside for walks are all ways that I am making sure to keep my cup full.

I wonder if this is God telling us to slow down, to center ourselves and make us realize that life is to be enjoyed slowly like you would savor a good glass of wine. Savor the moments, make time to call friends, ask yourself how you can help your neighbor. We including myself get caught up in all the things we have to do. Go to work, take the kids to practice, cook dinner, work-out, maintain relationships, keep up on chores, read more, and all the other to-do’s. Before you know it your kids went from 5 to 16 and it was all a blur.

As hard as this social distancing is for me, it also has brought so much awesomeness to light. I see friends helping friends, texts from people checking in, empathy for others and truly realizing how much we rely on grocery store employees, delivery drivers, restaurant employees to keep our basic needs accessible. Social Distancing is temporary. We all need to do our part so the nurses and medical employees can do their job well! They are the warriors going into battle for us. So let’s do what we can to help them win.

“Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.” ~ Henry Ford

xoxo,

April

I am a single mom to three children. Two of them are teenage daughters. I have been divorced for 7 years and my focus has been to learn how to self-love so I can teach my kids how to as well. The journey of self-love is challenging because nobody really teach you how to do it, yet it is one of the most powerful superpowers we can possess. I knew that I needed to give this superpower to my kids while they are young. I want them to be prepared for the challenges that they will face as the navigate through life.

Self-love is important for both boys, girls, men and women. I wanted my daughters to specifically learn how to self-love because so many girls, women put their value in what a man feels for them. This in turn leads women into entering relationships that are not healthy, they lose their identity and eventually become a shell of a person. I was one of those women. I had two young daughters at the time I met my ex-husband. I was 23 at the time and thought that I was looking for stability in a person. My ex-husband exhibited stability or so I thought. We married and had my son. The marriage was unhealthy from the beginning and honestly before we married as well. I remember telling myself that it will get better, I must power through because that is what you do. The woman I am today never would have even let that relationship last. The emotional toll that relationship took on all of us was long lasting. I never wanted my daughters to repeat this mistake.

The journey of self-love happened when I left that marriage and started to learn who I was, what I liked, and what made me happy. This was not an overnight journey. There were a ton of ups and downs. Seven years out I am in a place where I know that I will never be in that situation again. I have been single for those seven years which have also shown my kids that you can live the life you dream of and be truly happy. That happiness comes from within and not from another person.

Now that my daughters are in their teen years and relationships are entering their lives, I can see that they are way more advanced in the self-love department then I was at their age. My oldest daughter has had two relationships that had some red flags and she immediately exited. I had such a proud mom moment because I knew that she would not have to suffer through toxic relationships like I did.

In a perfect world we would all be able to have the self-love superpower in our tool belt before real life happens, but we don’t. What we can do though is to learn how to gain that superpower and hand it off to our kids so they can have it earlier than we did.

“We arrive here as perfect little bundles of joy and then set about the task of learning to un-love ourselves! How unbelievably ridiculous is that?! Self-love, the simplest yet most powerful thing ever, flies right out the window when we start taking in outside information.” ~ Jen Sincero

Xoxo,

April

You guys are getting lucky this week! Two blogs in a week?! I write when I feel this urge. The feeling is so strong that if I don’t write, I won’t be able to do anything else. The words swirling around my head need a place to escape too. Anyways, sit back and enjoy tonight’s read. I am going to get real and vulnerable. Vulnerability is still a hard one for me, but I am getting better.

Here it goes, within the last couple weeks I have had two instances where guys have shown interest in getting to know me and then within an hour the truth comes out that they are in a relationship. It’s crazy because I am not looking to date. I am not on any dating sites. I am busy living my life and in the zone. The most recent guy that reached out to me was through LinkedIn. At first, I thought that it was an innocent networking connection. As the conversation went on, I could tell that it was getting more personal. He asked questions that were not professional, and I didn’t respond to those. He asked if I had kids or a husband, and then I asked him, and he said yes to the relationship. I was dumbfounded because his questions were not something a committed person should be asking. I called him out and proceeded to block and delete.

After this happened, I was like I need to figure out what the hell is going on because this pattern of committed men showing up in my life is happening way too much. I reached out to the best life coach I know, and she asked me if I had a belief that all men cheat? I said no. Then she asked if I have a belief that all men disappoint me. Ummmmm…..absolutely yes! Not one time did I think that I had that belief. Now if you have read my other posts you would know that I had a belief that men will never choose me. Which in turn, I guess relates to men always disappointing me. Every man that I have been in a relationship with has disappointed me. This is not just regular disappointment that comes with relationships. I believe that there are times were normal disappointment happens. We are human. No, this is disappointment as in they have little regard to my feelings and/or put themselves first always. The constant let down. When I let her question permeate my thoughts, I realized that it so much safer to choose men, attract men that I know could disappoint me because I am comfortable with that. I know what that feels like. There will be no surprises. I don’t have to be vulnerable. Apparently being in love is scary as hell for me. I truly haven’t been in love in my adult life. I had times when I thought I was in love, but it wasn’t a healthy love. I clearly have fears of allowing someone that kind of access to my heart, to truly be able hurt me. So, it’s easier to play it safe. To not truly allow someone close to me, to let them get just close enough so when they hurt me it won’t be that devastating pain. The heartbreak that hurts deep.

It’s pretty sobering to continuously learn that you still have some inner work to do. The awesome part is that I have gotten good at fixing the issues once I know they are there. I work through them and come out even better. Also, I am so thankful to my tribe of badass women. If it wasn’t for them, I can only imagine how broken I would still be. My advice is to get yourself a badass tribe and never let them go.

“Opening your heart and being vulnerable in the face of fear is the most courageous thing you can do.” ~ Sheleana Aiyana

Xoxo,

April

I am sitting here working on job number 3, with work for job number 1 waiting for my attention and preparing for my travel for job number 2. Everyday the thoughts of all that I must do for each job swirl around like leaves in the wind. My great grandma used to ask me to do things for her and my 4-year-old self would say “now grandma you’re just trying to make me work.” It’s funny to hear that story because my grandma probably thought that this little girl does not have much of a work ethic.

Fast forward to now, my friends joke about all the side hustles I have. I always have a constant 3 jobs going on and I sprinkle in a 4^th occasionally. As I was starting laundry at 9:30pm tonight I was thinking that it sure would be nice to have just one job that would be abundant in providing for my family. The day to day doesn’t feel heavy, but when I realize that I haven’t had a true day off in I don’t know how long it starts to feel burdensome. Tonight, is when I realized that I may need to make some changes and go after that career that is awaiting me.

With all the jobs I must juggle I have let my dream jobs slip a little. They have fallen to the wayside. They are waiting for me to brush the dust off and open it back up. When the flame flickers I can feel the passion creep back in and I get excited to chase after it again. Then life happens and the flame dwindles. Writing this is making me realize that I truly have two dreams, very different, yet much the same. Lighthouse and Associates is all about helping others and guiding them out of the murkiness of understanding insurance. Wanderlust Sweets is all about bringing people together to enjoy a sweet escape from their bustling lives to have some coffee and a sweet.

I do know that I need to be very intentional with my time and I realize that having too many side hustles is a way of self-sabotaging myself from chasing after my dream jobs. I have always known that I will do something rather magical in my lifetime. The beautiful thing is that it is never too late to go after your dreams. Even if they get misplaced on the top shelf. Take them down, brush the dust off, and go after it again. That is what I am going to do.

“Our greatest weakness lies in giving up. The most certain way to succeed is always to try just one more time.” ~ Thomas A. Edison

Xoxo,

April

“We spend so much time seeking strategies to change our state- to feel better, to not feel so much. What about simply being with whatever feeling is present in you now…could you welcome it? Could you tend to that feeling with love, the way you would a small child or precious thing? Could you love your sadness and your grief in that way? There are no wrong feelings. It is all energy. Feelings come and then they pass. It is in feeling deeply that we come to love new parts of ourselves. Let the alchemy happen.” ~ @SheleanaAiyana

I sometimes feel so guilty when I don’t feel positive 100% of the time. This last month I was in the longest funk that I have experienced in a long time. I was uncomfortable, sad, unmotivated, and honestly lost my zest for life. I can usually bounce back from funks rather quickly, but this time it wanted to settle in and stay awhile. I stopped fighting it and felt my emotions. I cried, I laid in bed, I ate all the carbs, and cried some more. As uncomfortable as it was it felt somewhat therapeutic to feel that sadness.

I began to look at my decisions, actions, goals, dreams, and my current life situation. I feel like I was able to self-reflect in a way that I never had before. I looked at parts of my soul that I have ignored, brushed away, and hidden because I didn’t want to face them. I realized that I still struggled with self-love and self-worth. When I reflected on my career, dating, my health, and finances I realized that I still was self-sabotaging. I still felt that I wasn’t worthy of success in any of those areas. That I still deserved just enough. I felt like I healed myself from those wounds, but I realized I was micro self-sabotaging. The behavior was so minute that I hardly noticed it.

When I was in my funk from the end of December to the end of January is when I realized all of this. It is crazy because as I am writing, I am realizing that my life is dramatically changing already. Feb 1^st I finally paid off my first credit card, I started working out again, I found a perfect apartment for my family, and I will be paying off another credit card in a couple weeks. If I would have fought to ignore the depressed feelings, I don’t think I would have realized the micro self-sabotaging that I was doing, and I definitely wouldn’t be where I am today in regard to my finances, health and changing my future living situation.

I am claiming abundance in all areas of my life! In my career, health, love, and finances!

“Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Sit with it. Even though you want to run. Even though it’s heavy and difficult. Even though you’re not quite sure of the way through. Healing happens by feeling.” ~ Rebecca Ray

Xoxo,

April